I knew there was a reason I wanted him to stay little forever

When Colin was younger,like 5 or 6,even 7 and 8,he was the sweetest,cutest,kindest kid around. Let me rephrase that,he is still sweet BUT...... Flash forward,he is 11 now. The past year (or maybe more) has been hell. His behavior has changed and he all of a sudden has these behavior issues,that even I can't explain. I do think it is probably a combination of things and I do know that my husband and I (both are TEACHERS for crying out loud) tried several of our own techniques before we finally resorted to therapy. In hind sight,we probably should have gone sooner but we are both teachers and had years of experience dealing with problem children. So my frustration got the best of me and we decided to seek outside help. Ok,so his behavior? Well,let me just say there are too many things going on. He is violent (although that has gotten better since getting help),he swears,he throws (and breaks) things,he slams doors,he yells,and he has told me (more than once) he hates me or wants to kill me. He seems to have some real real anxiety with ME. He has always been very needy and clingy with me and he still is. BUT,he also gets very mad at me (for no apparent reason at times). So that is basically,what is happening with his behavior,in a nutshell. So tonight. Tonight. Tonight was the first time I realized,that I LOVE him but I don't like him. I really don't like him. I mean,I don't want to be here at bedtime anymore (bedtime is USUALLY when the behavior occurs). I don't want to be around him and frankly,right now,I can't stand him. His behavior can be verbally and mentally abusive and tonight I just had enough. I don't know if any mother has ever felt that about their own kid (please tell me there is someone who has?) But,honestly,I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I can handle the cognitive issues,the speech delays,the motor skill problems. I can handle his non-threatening health issues (of which there are several). BUT,BUT I cannot handle these behavior issues of him being Jekkel and Hyde. You never,never know what you are going to get and you are always walking on egg shells. SO,don't feel bad for me,just pray!