Guilt of many things I need to let go

I am letting go of the guilt I feel for many things. The number one thing I have to let go of is the guilt I feel for putting all of our dirty laundry out there, especially Colin's dirty laundry. It was not easy for me to admit defeat and it was not easy for me to admit I needed help. I immediately felt bad for letting everyone see Colin is such a bad light. I think there are people who think, "control your child" "lay down the law" " don't let him get away with that" and that I am weak. Weak because I can't control my child's behavior and it got to the point where we all hit bottom.  I can tell you, it is far more complicated than that. Most of the time Colin is kind, charming, caring, friendly, happy and a kid with a heart of gold. Those who know him can atest to that. So I do feel bad for those who don't know him and the impression I may have left you with. But, I am going to get over that now. There, I'm done. Done feeling guilty, period.

The past few weeks have been good. No major episodes and we convinced him to take the medicine daily. He started therapy and they are working on what causes his anxiety. The first step, I believe, in figuring out what triggers his anger and how he can manage it himself, or at least recognize the signs.

I am doing the best to take care of myself. It helps that I have 2 weeks off from work. Hopefully, I will be rested and feeling confident when we go back.

Looking foward to a new year, that's for sure!

I'm not gonna lie.......

   So yesterday's post was a cry for sympathy and help. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I am never one to feel sorry for myself nor do I want others to feel the same. After all, we all have challenges in life we have to deal with and I am no different.
     I hit an all time low and I needed to vent and also look for sympathy. I guess I needed to be reminded that there are people who get what I am going through and I do have friends that care about me. I believe you when you tell me I can call you any time or come over late at night but I have to tell you that when I am in a crisis situation, I don't always think straight. I also don't want to be a burden or be that phone call where your like, "Oh shit, it's Jenny calling again."
    Another reason I unleashed is so that you all know why I might be stand offish. I am not myself and I need people to know why.
    Thanks for the love, support, prayers,understanding, and sympathy. I know I will get through this, somehow.

Everything Sucks Right Now

    This is not a lie. I will spare all the details because if you read my blog or you know me well, then you know what this means. If you don't read my blog, I suggest you go back to the beginning and read it.
     We are at a point where things have NOT gotten better with Colin, in fact, they may be getting worse. Thank God we have a snow day tomorrow so I can spend some time on the phone trying to find someone that can help us. Colin has a social worker he sees outside of school, but I don't really think he is helping much.
      I am at the point right now where I need to find help for myself and I need to find help for our entire family. I think the issue goes way past more than just anxiety for Colin, there is something deeper. I worry about Blake too. He sees and hears so much of this, I know he wants to help. I even wonder if it is the reason why he can be mean to Colin.
     Our life is somewhat in tormoil right now. As much as I love Christmas and the whole Holiday season, I am finding it hard to find the joy in the season. I want to so bad. I wake up every morning with such hope for the day.
     In the meantime, I do what I can to get through each day. I try not to feel guilty when I slack but it's really hard sometimes.  My own life is on hold right now, and that is hard for me.
      I don't really want to talk to anybody about this but then sometimes, I do. Of course, it always seems to be late at night when I know all of my friends are sleeping! Yet, I have had a couple of people tell me that I can go to their house or call them anytime, but, I don't. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to put a wrench in their routine.
     What I really want is for things to be like they were when we were all happy. But, I don't think I can ever get those days back. I need to move forward and hope and pray that Colin can find a place where he can be happy and I don't have to suffer anymore.
   
   

My Biggest Hit Yet!

     My post titled, "Eggshells,Demons, and Fire" had the most hits of anything I have posted so far. It's the catchy title, I just know it.
     A shout out to everyone that sent me postive vibes, positive thoughts, and prayers. A few more people came out of the woodwork with private messages to me about their struggles. It made me realize, I am not alone in this journey with a child who does not fit the "norm".
     I think there is a certain amount of embarrassment that comes when your child doesn't fit the mold. People talk about their kids when they do good things, not when they do bad things. There is a certain stigma that comes if your child is not perfect. So, most don't talk about it. I think by admitting this, you admit that you are not the perfect parent. With that, comes guilt. I hope that what I'm doing is going to change that. Hopefully, this blog is helpful to those whose child is imperfect.

Egg Shells, Demons, and Fire

     My mind is swirling right now. I don't even know how to start. There are so many directions I could take this right now. I could talk about how Colin is being wishy washy about taking medicine. I could discuss how one minute things are fine and the next, we have blow up. I could tell you about how he can be so sweet and so thoughtful. I could tell you how we can talk about something one day and the next day a full blown argument takes place defending the opposite result from the day before. I could say that one day we are all on the same page and the next day, that changes because of Colin.
     Here is what I do know. I know that I cannot keep doing this. I know that something has to change. I know that I need to get my life back. This weekend I had plans on both nights. I had to cancel those plans because my son had major behavior issues. I don't know what exactly it is but I suspect that it has a lot to do with when my mom passed away. I think he is afraid something will happen to me. Even though he doesn't know this, this is what I think. The crazy thing is, I have mentioned this to every single professional that we have talked to about Colin's behavior issues. Nobody ever thinks that is the case or it is not addressed. So for the past 2 nights, he knew I was going to leave (Andy was going with me and tonight he was going to be alone for about an hour) so he started being (excuse my French) an asshole. He knew I was being picked up at 6:30. He knew I wouldn't be home til 9:30. He knew he would be alone until Andy and Blake got home from the game. He didn't want me to leave so he started being an ass and making up stuff that he was mad about. When he gets mad, he swears and calls me really awful names. Oh, and he will get in my face, spit on me, grab me, hit me, whatever he needs to do to keep me around. So normally, if I leave, he will settled down within in 30 minutes. Now, this is if Andy is here. Andy was not here. So I could not leave. Guess what I did? I sat in my (running) car in the driveway (with the doors locked) hoping that Colin was not destroying the house and everything in it. He came out several times to yell at me, thorough the window of the car.
     So the good news is, we went to the psychiatrist today. We have a medicine that we think (we hope) will work and not cause any problems (like the last several that we tried did). Colin is on board. He's not. He is on board. He's not. Tonight, after our "episode" and after Andy and Blake got home, he was OK with medicine. We. will. see. not. holding.my.breath.
   
          "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."-Forrest Gump

How DT opened my eyes.

It is 24 hours after the 2016 election and I am still feeling the depression that starting sinking in last night at this time as I was watching the results come in. From that first sentence right there, you know whose corner I was in.

This is not a post to tell you why I think my candidate deserved to get elected or why I supported her. Even though I consider myself a democrat, I am reasonable and most certainly would vote for a republication candidate if that candidate held certain standards that I think every president should have.

I don't think anyone can deny that our PE  (president elect) was mean, nasty, crude, vulgar, rude, disrespectful, ugly, mean......do I need to keep going?

He made derogatory, disrespectful remarks about Muslims, gays, Jews, women, people with disabilities. Wait, STOP. You made fun of and mocked a reporter with a disability?

My son has a disability. He is cognitively impaired. This means he was born with a disability in his brain. Something that cannot be fixed. And, it is nobody's fault. Genetics. We are working so hard with him so that he can be successful and live on his own when he is an adult. My biggest fear, my biggest sadness is that he does not fit in with the "real world". My even bigger fear is that, he will be made fun of, disrespected, and bullied because of who he is (and remember, he can't help who he is).

I will be completely honest and tell you that some of the things that our president elect said about other groups, did not phase me. For example, when he talked about building a wall, I don't know any Mexican immigrants, so it doesn't pertain to me. It won't affect ME if he builds a wall. The only Muslims I know are the ones I see on TV. And even though I am a woman, the remarks he made about other women (grabbing their pussy,etc.) did not really bother me as a woman because let's face it, DT would never want to grab my pussy, I'm just not pretty enough or skinny enough for his taste. I thought those comments made him look like a total dirt bag, that's true. At the time, these things did not bother me so much because they did not pertain to me. I did not have a personal connection.

When he mocked and made fun of that reporter with a disability, hold on folks. THAT infuriated me. That could have easily been MY son he was mocking. At that moment, my dislike for him became personal, I had a connection. There is no way in hell I am going to vote for someone that is going to make fun of my son. I need a president that is going to look at my son's differences and embrace them.

This has made me think about those other groups that he bashed. I may not have a personal connection with some of these groups but I do have experience being in one of those groups. I am part of a minority (well, my son is, but well,you know). I also have personal connections to the LGBT group. Some people I love deeply are part of that group and I have witnessed first hand, the struggles they have gone through. It comes down to this, when we have a personal connection to a group we fight for that group and if we don't have a connection, we don't care. That has got to change.  We need to be aware of the struggles others face, we need to support them. We need to remember our own struggles and how that feels and remember that we are all just human beings. Human beings that have feelings and ideas and that are doing their best trying to survive.

I don't think any president or president elect should publicly degrade and mock a group because they are different from the typical,white American. Nobody is typical anymore folks.

#lovetrumpshate

I'm holding my shit together and I deserve some sort of recognition for that......

    So, I know that nobody is going to give me my mother of the year award anytime soon. Certainly, my teenagers aren't and I'm sure that every other mother would give that award to themselves. We, mothers, really do deserve an award for simply being a mother. I'm sure there is someone saying,      "Our award is our children......." blah, blah, blah.
     Well, I'm not here to sugarcoat anything. For anyone that has followed our ups and downs with Colin, you know the road has not been easy. Ups and downs. Lots of ups and downs.
     I cannot even describe at this moment all that has been going on in one easy paragraph. I feel that it would take a lot of background knowledge and stories of events that have transpired to really fill everyone in to the fullest. So I'm just not gonna go there. Plus, for now, I have decided that publicizing the "other" Colin is not something I want (or even should) do.
     This is to say, I am having a total pity party for myself, right now, for the last few months. Maybe a year, hell, I don't know. Basically, I have been holding my shit together for a very long time and I (might be) (am) (will be) (should be) unraveling, slowly.
       So, here is what I don't want this to be. I DON"T want this to be a pity party about me. Yes, I am giving MYSELF this party and I really don't need to have anyone else pity me in any way, shape, or form. Really, I just want people to know why I have been standoffish or why I may not have called lately. I feel that there are friends that I have not kept in touch with, and I should. It has been really hard to maintain certain friendships and for that I feel guilty. My life is leading in a direction where I can see myself being an old, lonely, sad woman by myself. For those of you that know the struggles I have had with my grandma recently, this is what I am talking about. And, that makes me sad. But, at this exact moment, there is not much I can do. Accept, hang on, and fight. I have tried to maintain what I can, but my child consumes me. He keeps me prisoner.
     So here is where my pity party comes in. I am going to list all of the things I hate about having a special needs child or what I hate about being a special needs parent. Either way, there are some down falls.  But, then I need to end with all of the great things about him and what others are missing out on (not really adults because they get him) but all of his peers.

* my child cannot communicate well
* my child gets angry when he can't communicate
* he does not have any regular (general) ed peers (meaning any friends he does have are all special ed students, and he doesn't even have many of those either). So he doesn't do "play dates" or "sleepovers" he's had a handful in his lifetime (with special ed kids) and he has only been invited to one birthday party of a "regular" kid and that was the one time we were out of town so he couldn't go! I seriously, almost canceled our plans just so he could go to a "regular" party.
* he makes up friends in his head.
* he takes all of his frustration out on me
* he has a gazillion medical issues and it seems as if something new appears every other year.
*I know more doctors than I care to.
* I get major anxiety whenever I sign him up for an activity with "regular" kids.
* I walk on egg shells with him several times a week
*I am heartbroken that our goal with him is to be independent of us
*I worry about who will take care of him when I can't
* I hate that he is not like other kids his age
* I feel guilty that Blake will never have the sort of sibling relationship that others have
* I feel guilty that Blake has to see and hear his brother's outrage
* I hate that my family is not "normal"

Things I love about having a special needs child and things I love about him:

* he has a bigger heart than anyone I know
*case in point-when he tried out for the basketball team and did not make it (but made the roll down team) he was more sad about the other guys that didn't make the team. Seriously, he talked about those guys not making the team for a week!
*he is PASSIONATE about things and never lets it die.
*he worries about other people way too much
*he wants to help homeless people
* he loves animals more than I do
*he wants to have friends more than anything so he makes them up
*he has a great imagination
*he remembers odd details and things most people don't
* he teaches me to slow down
*I am more compassionate because of him
*I am more patient
*I am a better teacher (especially to special ed kids) because of him
* I can't imagine what life would be like if he was just like everyone else. Pretty boring, I would imagine.

A day at the Palace!

 Colin sitting in Andre Drummond's chair in the locker room.

     If you read the blog where I talked about our experience at the Piston's game in April, then you know what these pictures are about. If you didn't read it, then you should go back and read it! Sorry, I don't feel like retelling the story.
     The day went better than I could have planned. I really did not know what to expect but I was certain there would be other people there with us. I was wrong! We were the only ones! So we got a very personal tour of the Palace, behind the scenes and all. Colin was in awe the entire time. Zac, the Pistons guy, was an awesome guy and gave us an awesome tour.
     We were completely satisfied and Colin had a perma grin. Zac walked us out but stopped us right before we left. "I have one more surprise for you," he explained. "How would you like to join me for the home opener in October?"
      Needless to say, Colin was (is) thrilled! He cannot stop talking about that day and he cannot stop talking about going to the home opener.
     I want to thank the Piston's organization and especially Zac, for making my son's day (possibly year). They do read their surveys and they listen!

Here are a few more photos of the day. Plus, one of the car ride on the way home!
https://goo.gl/photos/N8P3cHzDdj2MNZhL8

I'm on a roll!

     One goal I had for the summer is to get back to my blog. I started it way back when as a form of therapy but quickly decided I wanted it to be a way to help others, or at least let people in similar situations know they are not alone. I still want to do that in some form or fashion. I am exploring other sites to see if one might be more user friendly. I want to be able to post links and pictures and not just share my writing. The other problem is, I am not a Type A person at all. Although, I appear organized and put together, I AM NOT. I am definitely a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person. I rarely have a plan for anything and I hardly ever make lists when I go grocery shopping. I don't really have a "bucket list" and I have no clue what I want my future to hold.I kinda just take each day as it comes. What has really helped me is when I post this on Facebook and people make comments. That means that people are reading this. It may not be many and maybe some only read it once in a while, and everyone is a friend and probably most that read it know Colin. So, thanks for reading and maybe you can help me figure out how to make this more of a routine for myself, how to get "strangers" to read it, and what would make people want to read it. I'll keep writing and posting and hopefully you will keep reading.
     Changing gears here now. After today's post a few people commented offering support,etc. I don't want people thinking I am looking for sympathy, because I am not. I don't neccessarily think anyone that commented thinks that, it just made me think, "Do I sound desperate? Am I looking for sympathy?" Maybe, in some ways,  I just want people to know that sometimes, having a child that is not like everyone else, is hard. Sometimes. I know that having children, period, is hard. But, I don't ever want anyone to feel sorry for me in any way. I will admit, every once in a blue moon, I feel sorry for myself. But, that's it. So, you don't ever have to feel sorry for me.
     You see, I feel sorry for anyone that doesn't know Colin. I feel sorry for anyone that will never get the chance to meet him. But, I mostly feel sorry for the kids (and adults) who know who he is but dont' know HIM. They might know him on the surface but have never made an effort to talk to him or listen to him. I think if everybody gave him the time of day they would see what an outstanding person he is.He is SO in tune to other's feelings and worries about how other people feel, sometimes to the extreme. If you have Colin in your corner, then you are Golden!  SOOOOOOOO, for that I am blessed. Despite the hard times he has, if that is what makes him the kind, caring person he is, then  SO. BE. IT.
 
 Thanks for listening and thanks for reading! 

Being held hostage

     UGH! We had a great 4th of July weekend. But, I am now at home sitting in the office waiting for Colin to stop having his temper tantrum. A temper tantrum that started when I tried to go to the store to get food, since our cupboards are bare. I believe it started because he couldn't find his wallet with his money in it. He wanted his money  so he could get an icee when he went with me to the store. I looked for him in all the places it could have been, but I could not find it. His frustration built and it trickled to other issues. He wanted to go to the store with me, then he didn't. He left with me but then changed his mind so when I turned around to bring him back home, he got even more frustrated. I left him at home. He called me (I did not answer because I was driving) but I turned around and went home cause I knew he was agitated. So now, I am sitting here trying not to engage him (because that will make him more agitated) and he is yelling at me and saying mean things. The good news is, he is not destroying things like he normally might when he's pissed off like this. There is no reasoning with him, no trying to talk him through this. He is mad and frustrated (and sometimes it's hard for me to understand why) and he just needs to blow off steam until he is back to his rational self. This might take 15 minutes or 3 hours. You just never know with him. I do know that ignoring him is the best thing and that is sometimes very hard to do.
     Two steps forward one back. I asked him to let me finish something and I will help him look again for his wallet. He didn't like that. So now he's back to being pissed. He was starting to come down and then I made him wait. How in the world will he ever survive in the real world if these little things piss him off so much?  

It's ALL Good!

     It has been a while since I have written and most of the time that means things are good. When I write it is usually because I am stressed, or sad, or upset. It really is a great way to get feelings out without burdening anyone with your problems. So I haven't written in a very long time but that doesn't mean things are good. In fact, this school year was one of the hardest years I've had as a teacher and not for reasons you might think. But now, it's Summer! I have had a couple of weeks to relax and I am finding the time I need to do the things I want.
     Things with Colin are stable. He had a pretty good year. A few ups and downs but nothing crazy like last year. We had to find a new therapist because the one we had been seeing retired. We think we found a good one though. We don't have to see the cardiologist anymore or the scoliosis doctor, which, is good news. We are back to seeing the GI doc every 6 months (from once a year) but I expect that to change quickly. My hope is that all of this will remain as is and that no new health issues arise anytime in the future. Fingers crossed.
     So I think most people know that Colin LOVES basketball and I don't even know if LOVE cuts it. He's obsessed. Last year we surprised him with Pistons tickets for his birthday as he had never been to an NBA game. It was a big hit. Tickets came up this year over spring break through Rec and Ed with a deal to go out on the floor at the end of the game to take a free throw. It was a pretty good deal and we were going to be around for spring break so , why not? We had a great day! We went to Great Lakes crossing, ate dinner at a Japanese steakhouse and went to the game. It was the game that cinched their spot in the playoffs! But, when it came time to get in line to go down on the floor for our free throw shot, Colin melted down, BIG time. We tried to use all of our tricks to calm him down but nothing worked and at one point we just threw in the towl and said, "It's not worth it, let's go." Colin was over stimulated and over tired and large crowds have always been too much for him. So, we went home.
     A few weeks later I received a survey from the Piston's organiztion asking questions about our experience at the game. I usually don't fill those things in but for some reason this time, I did. I was honest and rated most things pretty high and said we had a good time at the game. I did happen to mention our experience having to stand in line to go down to shot a free throw and explained the whole siutation. I believe I offered some suggestions for how to make that better organized,etc but nothing much really. I did not expect to hear anything.
     Well, you probably know where this is going, don't you? Yes, someone from the Piston's organization contacted me yesterday. They, obviously, read my comments on my survey and wanted to know more about our experience. So after chatting for a few minutes with this guy he offeres to have us come down to the Palace and take a behind the scenes tour of the lockroom,etc.! I was speechless! Stuff like this never happens to me!
      I was actually on my way to pick Colin up from basketball camp when I was talking with this guy. At first, I thought I would wait to tell Colin until the day before we were going but I just couldn't wait to tell him. His reaction was not what I expected. He said he didn't want to do it and he almost seemed sad about it.  Knowing Colin, he just needed time to process the whole thing. It took the car ride home for him to process it and by the time we pulled into the driveway he said YES he wants to go and he was very excited! Of course, now that is all he talks about! We are super excited and can't wait until 2 weeks from now! I'll post again.