Everything Sucks Right Now

     This was the title from the post I published about 3 months ago AND it was the post that has received the most hits since I shared my blog a few years ago. I find it incredibly sad that the post with the most negative title was the post that everyone wanted to read. I really can't blame people, I mean, even I am attracted to the negative news (why I continue to be drawn to the Real Housewives, is beyond me.)
     My purpose in sharing my blog was to find and possibly help other families that might be in similar situations. I was feeling very disconnected because I had a special needs child and I felt nobody really understood me or my situation. In turn, it became more of a venting for me and in some cases, me wanting people to feel sorry for me. I do think it raised a level of awareness for people that I am surrounded by but not necessarily the venue for which I was hoping.
    I did find a few people in my circle that I did not know, had similar situations. A friend from high school that I had probably not seen since we graduated, sent me a message about her special needs daughter. A family members daughter that has a son with "issues" and another high school friend whose child has behavior issues. Plus, I cannot forget, the moms I met when Colin first entered "special ed" and we had play dates with our special needs kids all through elementary school and we all felt "normal" being together. (I miss you ladies!)
     I have decided that I am done making my blog public. I am no longer going to put it "out there" for everyone to see. What I wanted to accomplish, didn't work. I don't think it's fair to Colin to always air our dirty laundry. He is genuinely a sweet, caring, and loving boy and it's not fair for me to show the other side of him.
     I am still going to write. I write all the time and I have decided I am going to practice my craft in private with the possibility of some day writing a book. I may decide to start a blog again, if I can do it the way I envision. But, for now, I keep my thoughts and ideas private.
   

Hugging Teenagers

     Not too long ago I posted a quote on my facebook page, " Talking to teenagers is like hugging a cactus". I laughed and then, I cried. Cried because it was SO true. It was so painful to talk to my teenager. I am not talking about Colin here. Colin is still a chatterbox, even when he's mad and grumpy. No, I am talking about my first born, my now 16 year old, Blake. 

     Beginning in 8th grade (still talking about Blake here) I started to not like my own child! He became moody and grouchy and really no fun at all. The eye rolls! Oh, the eye rolls. The huffs and the puffs and the, "MOM!" The only thing that got me through that was thinking "if Blake was a girl this might be 100 times worse." My first thought was, "I'm sure my mother is looking down on me with a little snicker." (Sorry, Mom!) and "How in the hell am I going to get through these teenage years?!"

     I started pleading to my friends with little ones. DON'T BLINK. TIME FLIES. IT GOES BY SO FAST. ENJOY THIS TIME. IT WILL BE OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. JUST WAIT. CHERISH THIS TIME. (and my favorite) I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE THOSE YEARS BACK.

     I did think that. I was missing the younger years. The years when Blake would cuddle up next to me and tell me, "I love you Mommy!" The years when he would be sick and just want me to hold him. All.Day.Long. The years I had to tie his shoes and zip his coat and make sure he had 3 square meals a day. The years  I had to go outside and PLAY and play all day long, because he could not be outside by himself. The years I had to do his laundry (yes, he does his own laundry now), walk him down to the neighbors, walk him to the bus stop, have a babysitter stay with him if I went out, drive him EVERYWHERE! I did miss those years, I really did. And I DO cherish them!

     I see my friends with little ones and I see how exhausted they are (the parent, not the little one) and when someone joked with me to trade places with them my first thought was, "Awww, yes I would love to stay home with a sick toddler and cuddle all day." But then I was like, "Hell no! I've done puke and snot and crying kids who are sick and inconsolable TOO many times. I've paid my dues folks. Your turn!" 

     I have learned to embrace my teenager(s)! I take every little moment I get from them. The good, the bad and the ugly. I still ask questions and get eye rolls and sighs. I still have moments that there is very little conversation. I TRY not to be a nag. I TRY not to talk TOO much (ha, ha) and I try to be real. I also let my teenagers know that I am always there for them, no matter what. When my oldest will be specific with me and actually tell me something and TALK to me, I listen. I ask very little and I just listen. Tonight, he hugged me out of nowhere. I asked (jokingly), " OK, what do you want? Money? " He said, "Nothing. You're a good mom." 

      So, friends of little ones, continue to enjoy and cherish this time. It does go by fast and will be over before you know it. But, don't dwell on anything and don't dread what is coming. Take every day and moment and enjoy it, and move on. Every stage has pros and cons, every stage. So focus on the + and pray that you make it out alive! 

       I promise you will never hear me say " Just wait!" again! 

p.s. My kids have been doing their own laundry for years now (Blake started in 4th grade and Colin in 6th.)  P.s.s. those of you with little ones, DO IT! you will be so grateful! That's my last piece of advice!

     

Guilt of many things I need to let go

I am letting go of the guilt I feel for many things. The number one thing I have to let go of is the guilt I feel for putting all of our dirty laundry out there, especially Colin's dirty laundry. It was not easy for me to admit defeat and it was not easy for me to admit I needed help. I immediately felt bad for letting everyone see Colin is such a bad light. I think there are people who think, "control your child" "lay down the law" " don't let him get away with that" and that I am weak. Weak because I can't control my child's behavior and it got to the point where we all hit bottom.  I can tell you, it is far more complicated than that. Most of the time Colin is kind, charming, caring, friendly, happy and a kid with a heart of gold. Those who know him can atest to that. So I do feel bad for those who don't know him and the impression I may have left you with. But, I am going to get over that now. There, I'm done. Done feeling guilty, period.

The past few weeks have been good. No major episodes and we convinced him to take the medicine daily. He started therapy and they are working on what causes his anxiety. The first step, I believe, in figuring out what triggers his anger and how he can manage it himself, or at least recognize the signs.

I am doing the best to take care of myself. It helps that I have 2 weeks off from work. Hopefully, I will be rested and feeling confident when we go back.

Looking foward to a new year, that's for sure!

I'm not gonna lie.......

   So yesterday's post was a cry for sympathy and help. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I am never one to feel sorry for myself nor do I want others to feel the same. After all, we all have challenges in life we have to deal with and I am no different.
     I hit an all time low and I needed to vent and also look for sympathy. I guess I needed to be reminded that there are people who get what I am going through and I do have friends that care about me. I believe you when you tell me I can call you any time or come over late at night but I have to tell you that when I am in a crisis situation, I don't always think straight. I also don't want to be a burden or be that phone call where your like, "Oh shit, it's Jenny calling again."
    Another reason I unleashed is so that you all know why I might be stand offish. I am not myself and I need people to know why.
    Thanks for the love, support, prayers,understanding, and sympathy. I know I will get through this, somehow.

Everything Sucks Right Now

    This is not a lie. I will spare all the details because if you read my blog or you know me well, then you know what this means. If you don't read my blog, I suggest you go back to the beginning and read it.
     We are at a point where things have NOT gotten better with Colin, in fact, they may be getting worse. Thank God we have a snow day tomorrow so I can spend some time on the phone trying to find someone that can help us. Colin has a social worker he sees outside of school, but I don't really think he is helping much.
      I am at the point right now where I need to find help for myself and I need to find help for our entire family. I think the issue goes way past more than just anxiety for Colin, there is something deeper. I worry about Blake too. He sees and hears so much of this, I know he wants to help. I even wonder if it is the reason why he can be mean to Colin.
     Our life is somewhat in tormoil right now. As much as I love Christmas and the whole Holiday season, I am finding it hard to find the joy in the season. I want to so bad. I wake up every morning with such hope for the day.
     In the meantime, I do what I can to get through each day. I try not to feel guilty when I slack but it's really hard sometimes.  My own life is on hold right now, and that is hard for me.
      I don't really want to talk to anybody about this but then sometimes, I do. Of course, it always seems to be late at night when I know all of my friends are sleeping! Yet, I have had a couple of people tell me that I can go to their house or call them anytime, but, I don't. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to put a wrench in their routine.
     What I really want is for things to be like they were when we were all happy. But, I don't think I can ever get those days back. I need to move forward and hope and pray that Colin can find a place where he can be happy and I don't have to suffer anymore.
   
   

My Biggest Hit Yet!

     My post titled, "Eggshells,Demons, and Fire" had the most hits of anything I have posted so far. It's the catchy title, I just know it.
     A shout out to everyone that sent me postive vibes, positive thoughts, and prayers. A few more people came out of the woodwork with private messages to me about their struggles. It made me realize, I am not alone in this journey with a child who does not fit the "norm".
     I think there is a certain amount of embarrassment that comes when your child doesn't fit the mold. People talk about their kids when they do good things, not when they do bad things. There is a certain stigma that comes if your child is not perfect. So, most don't talk about it. I think by admitting this, you admit that you are not the perfect parent. With that, comes guilt. I hope that what I'm doing is going to change that. Hopefully, this blog is helpful to those whose child is imperfect.

Egg Shells, Demons, and Fire

     My mind is swirling right now. I don't even know how to start. There are so many directions I could take this right now. I could talk about how Colin is being wishy washy about taking medicine. I could discuss how one minute things are fine and the next, we have blow up. I could tell you about how he can be so sweet and so thoughtful. I could tell you how we can talk about something one day and the next day a full blown argument takes place defending the opposite result from the day before. I could say that one day we are all on the same page and the next day, that changes because of Colin.
     Here is what I do know. I know that I cannot keep doing this. I know that something has to change. I know that I need to get my life back. This weekend I had plans on both nights. I had to cancel those plans because my son had major behavior issues. I don't know what exactly it is but I suspect that it has a lot to do with when my mom passed away. I think he is afraid something will happen to me. Even though he doesn't know this, this is what I think. The crazy thing is, I have mentioned this to every single professional that we have talked to about Colin's behavior issues. Nobody ever thinks that is the case or it is not addressed. So for the past 2 nights, he knew I was going to leave (Andy was going with me and tonight he was going to be alone for about an hour) so he started being (excuse my French) an asshole. He knew I was being picked up at 6:30. He knew I wouldn't be home til 9:30. He knew he would be alone until Andy and Blake got home from the game. He didn't want me to leave so he started being an ass and making up stuff that he was mad about. When he gets mad, he swears and calls me really awful names. Oh, and he will get in my face, spit on me, grab me, hit me, whatever he needs to do to keep me around. So normally, if I leave, he will settled down within in 30 minutes. Now, this is if Andy is here. Andy was not here. So I could not leave. Guess what I did? I sat in my (running) car in the driveway (with the doors locked) hoping that Colin was not destroying the house and everything in it. He came out several times to yell at me, thorough the window of the car.
     So the good news is, we went to the psychiatrist today. We have a medicine that we think (we hope) will work and not cause any problems (like the last several that we tried did). Colin is on board. He's not. He is on board. He's not. Tonight, after our "episode" and after Andy and Blake got home, he was OK with medicine. We. will. see. not. holding.my.breath.
   
          "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."-Forrest Gump