Help!

   Great! I have you reading this post. My guess is, it is because of the title. You see, I can see how many people read each post. I find it very interesting that the post that received the most hits, was the post where I asked for help in the title. But, the titles that are not attention grabbers, well those do not get read as much. It will be interesting to see how many people read this post. I'll keep you posted!
     Now that I have your attention, I do want to say a few things. Well, actually, I want to brag a little bit. You see, I don't always get to brag about Colin. I know many times it seems as if everyting is a struggle, and it is. Lately, though, things are good. Behavior is in check, health is in check, and his well being seems to be in check. He seems happy and content, so I will take it!
     My brag session begins now..... SO two things happened this summer that had me thrilled! Thrilled for Colin and thrilled for Me! The first thing is that Colin FINALLY learned how to tie his shoes! Yes! (Remember, he's in 7th grade.) We have been working on shoe tying for EVER (on and off but seriously, forever). I must give credit to my MIL (mother-in-law) because it was actually her that broke through! Her and Colin were working on it and he had more patience for her (and she had more patience for him) and low and behold, he did it! THE best part is, HE did it! and he did it and did it and did it! So, now, I NEVER have to tie his shoes! Yeah, ME! Yeah, him! and Yeah! to Grandma!
     The greatest thing that happened is, Colin created (on his own,pretty much) his own business. A few years back, our neighbors asked us to take care of their cats while they were gone. Well, Colin LOVES animals and he wanted to do it. So I went over there with him every day and we did everyting you needed to do to care for cats. He would want to stay and play with them (I would take a book over and just read while he played with the cats). He even wanted to spend his own money to buy the cats presents! SO for the next year or so, we would take care of the cats. Well, eventually, Colin was able to go over on his own to care for the cats. I would always go over the last day, just to make sure he left everything looking good (he always did). This great care of the cats led to other neighbors needing his services. AND so it began.....
     On his own, Colin designed a brochure to pass out in the neighborhood. I was so impressed with what he had done, I just couldn't believe it! He is pretty savy when it comes to technology. I did help him spell the words correctly (because he really can't spell) and I helped him make the font bigger. For the most part, I left the brochure as he had done without much from me. We printed off copies and he handed them out. He hasn't gotten any new jobs, yet. But, I am not giving up hope. He is still motivated to take care of animals and he has started to create his own little business.
     One thing I sometimes worry about is, what will happen when Colin is an adult? Will he be able to have a job, live on his own? I will always worry and wonder about this. But, I have to say, having a love of animals and the business sense he is developing makes me a little less worried.
     Did you keep reading? Sorry if I mislead you. I hope you, at least, enjoyed what I had to say?!

Go Blue!

     Colin is obsessed with a few things. One of them being Michigan football. And when Colin is obsessed with something, he talks about it NON STOP. As if I haven't heard enough about Jim Harbaugh from everyone else around town, I have to hear it at home constantly. I might also add that Colin has a very active imagination too. So Jim Harbaugh lives in his imaginary world. Colin will go outside all geared up and "play" football. He has imaginary teammates and imaginary scenarios of the game. Jim Harbaugh is his coach. Colin will tell me what Jim is doing and how he is planning for the game. He will say things like, "Jim Harbaugh is driving to the stadium right now."
     He is pretty excited about today's game and refuses to go anywhere or do anything today for fear of missing it on television. He will be glued to the tv, wear his khakis and M gear and probably "play" in his own football game later. Jim Harbaugh will coach him and his teammates to a victory.
     So, I know at least one Michigan team is going to beat State today. Let's hope the other one does too. Go Blue!

One down, nine more to go.

   We made it through one full month of school unscathed. I have to say, this is by far, the best start to school in all of the years since I've had my own kids. Although it was tiring, (I mean, who really wants to get up early and get going right away?) and stressful (but only because it was trying to find a balance with all of the activities) we all had the most relaxing start to school I can ever remember.
     I don't know if I ever mentioned that my husband is a football coach? Probably not. I don't talk about him much because he is an insanely private person, so I keep him out of this. He started coaching before we ever had kids. So my kids, have known nothing else. I, however, have. So if you don't know anything about coaches (in particular football coaches) it is an intense business. Even though the season is 2 months of games, it really is a year round commitment. They are always coaching in the off season. When they are in season, it is very intense. Let's just say from August until November, my husband was not around. I mean, he came home to eat and sleep, but, that is about it. If he did spend any time with me or the kids he was not 100% with us because his mind was always on the game.
     So, this year, he gave up coaching. I had no part of this decision at all (I know better!) A long time ago, when the kids were babies, I asked him to stop coaching. I cryed,I begged, I pleaded for him to stop coaching.  He did not. This past spring, when he was contemplating what to do, he asked me. I said, " I am not going to tell you what to do. You know what I want and I don't need to say it. Whatever you decide to do, I will be fine with."
     So he decided to quit coaching. I have to say, even though the kids have known nothing different, I believe it has made a positive impact on them, especially Colin. My husband was able to spend a lot more time with the kids this summer. He has never been able to because of all of the summer football commitments. He was able to take both boys on separate camping trips so they both had alone time with dad. He was able to participate in Special Olympics golf with Colin. That is something I normally would have ended up doing. He was able to go out on bike rides and canoe trips down the river with the boys or go fishing. All things that he has not done a lot of with the boys. With school starting, he has been able to be home almost everyday to get Colin off the bus. He is able to pick our oldest up from school. He can go to Curriculum night and conferences and all that stuff I always do by myself in the fall. I think all of this has made a huge impact on both of my kids.
     Colin's start to the school could not have been better. He was excited to start, he loves his teachers, and he seems to be making new friends. He has grown up a lot and become more mature. We actually have taken him off all behavior meds! Yeah! He is doing great without them. Oh, he does have his moments but he has learned how to control his anger. He doesn't get violent anymore. He still gets mad (and it can be upsetting) but he doesn't get mad enough where he is hitting me, or calling me really bad names, or destroying things around the house. We are over that. So far, his health is good too. Knock on wood, I don't foresee any major issues this year. I mean, what could possibility go wrong when you have been through it all? Famous last words, I know. AND I am sure I totally just jinxed myself. SIGH!

Summer vacation, I am going to blog more, blah,blah,blah!

     I did say that once summer vacation came I would have more time to blog. Not. Or maybe I haven't made the time. I also think I tend to blog only when things are bad or I need to vent.
     So things are good. I like it that way. Physical therapy has started to help with the scoliosis. His behavior is in check. In fact, we don't have an appointment with the therapist until the 3rd week of school (just to check in and if things are good we don't need to see her anymore). We did have an appointment with a surgeon regarding his chest bone that sticks out. I don't remember if I mentioned that but we discovered that with the scoliosis. Anyway, we don't need surgery to fix his chest bone but we could try a brace. We don't have to decided right now if we want to do that but by next year we should do it if we are going to. So things are stable at the moment. I wish they could stay like this, but I know they won't.
    I am going to blog more, I am. Just like I am going to finish my 3 sewing projects and my 3 knitting projects. Sigh.

The Power of Prayer?

     I am in awe and disbelief and I am feeling a little foolish. I am feeling foolish because I was overreacting (again) like I always do. But, I am in awe and disbelief because I am wondering if it wasn't the prayers that gave us the best news we could have hoped for! 
     Thank you to everyone near and far that offered prayers and well wishes. I am starting to believe it is everyone pulling for Colin that gave us the results we were hoping for. 
     The results (in a nut shell) are that yes he does have scoliosis and kyphosis BUT it is not as bad as the radiology report made it sound. When I was on the phone with the doctor and he was going over the results, I was very calm and tuned in. I was writing things down and I did ask questions to clarify. The report noted a 120 degree curve (which is huge and why I panicked!) it also noted a 21 degree curve in the lower back. So the bottom line is, the curve is 13 degrees.  This probably doesn't mean anything to most of you or make any sense. What it means is that right now, he will not have to wear a brace or have surgery. We are going to do physical therapy this summer to strengthen his core (and something about his calf muscles) and we are going to be following up with the orthopedic so she can keep an eye on it. If he has any more growth spurts (which he probably will) it could cause more curvature so we need to keep an eye on that. 
    I'm not sure how we went from a 120 degree curve to 13 but I'll take it. Who am I to question these things? 
    It's one day at a time and it looks like Colin's fun summer is back on. Thanks to everyone for the prayers! I think it worked!

You must be kidding?

      I'm not even sure where to begin, really.  For anyone that knows our struggles with Colin from the time he was born until now, I know what you are going to say when you hear the news. You are going to say,  " Can't you catch a break?"  or " Are you kidding me?" and in all honesty, that is exactly what I am saying. What else could possibly happen?
     Well, what could happen is this... Colin could come down from taking his bath and say" Dad, what's this? " (Pointing to the bone that seems to be protruding from his chest.) I touch it and it seems tender and he says it kinda hurts. He tells me it hurts when he breathes in and wants to do his inhaler. I consider taking him to the ER but of course, do my own assessment. He is not really in pain and he is breathing fine ( I think it just hurts for him to breathe deep). He is acting normal and so I just comfort him and put him to bed. I check on him throughout the night to make sure he is breathing.
     We get in to our pediatrician the next day. He does his "tests" and looks at me with a nod, "I think it's scoliosis." I immediately think of a former student that had scoliosis and I remember how difficult it was for her. She had to wear a brace 24/7 for some time. I then remember our school nurse's daughter had it but she had to have surgery. I remember the surgery was tough. A long recovery. My heart sinks. Why,why why? 
     We get the xray results back almost immediately and the news is worse. "There are many things going on " my pediatrician says. He refers us to an Orthopedic surgeon and within 24 hours we have an appointment. I know what this fast turn around means, it means our pediatrician put an "urgent" stamp on it. It is unheard of for things to happen this fast, especially when you have to get in to see a specialist. 
     Of course, I googled everything my peditrician shared about the xray results. And, of course, I have made my own diagnosis. Things do not look good. He has 2 issues going on, one in the upper spine area and one in the lower back. Based on the degree of the curves,etc. I think he will probably need surgery to correct it. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions but maybe I am not. I just do not have a good feeling about this. 
     I'm sad because if this is true I just don't know how much more this kid can take. I am sad because we just planned his whole summer and signed him up for a variety of fun camps that he is very excited about. That makes me sad because if this is true, he is going to have the worst summer ever. 
     I know that things could be worse and I know that this will not be the end of the world (but it will just suck for a while). I also know I should not jump to conclusions and maybe this can all be corrected with a brace. I know I need to have a positive attitude and I know that some things are out of my control. I know I shouldn't worry until we find out what is really going on and what the expert has to say. I know that in the end, everything will work out, it always does. 
     Our appointment is Tuesday. I hope I have good news to report. Unitl then, for my friends that have a connection with God, please keep us in your prayers. I appreciate that. 

What makes Special Olympics so special?

     We just returned from the Special Olympics state basketball finals. I am exhausted from our world wind 24 hour flurry of activity. I am also on a high and I'm not sure I will be able to fall asleep tonight.
     I will spare you all of the boring details but instead provide you with, what I hope, will make you want to go to a Special Olympics event or even better yet, volunteer at one. But, then I wonder, "Is it only people that have someone in their life that is special needs that are wowed and humbled by this event?" 
     First, I want to let you know that I will use the term "typical" referring to a kid that does not have disabilities. I like this term better than "normal" because to me, normal IS my kid. I guess typical better describes the majority of kids, the ones that do not have a disability.
     I am going to be selfish and start with me first. We will get it out of the way and focus on what it really is about.
      OK, about ME! The thing that is so special about Special Olympics is that I get to feel like a normal parent with my special kid.  For once I am surrounded by parents who get what I am going thorough. All of the kids have different issues but they all have issues, and every parent gets it. No matter what. No matter what your issue is, they get it because they too have gone through something similar. The best part is, nobody feels the need to talk about it. I never have had a parent ask me anything about C or his disability or what his issues are. We don't talk about the number of doctors that we see or what services he receives in school or where he falls with his typical peers. So if a kid needs to take their medicine, nothing is ever questioned. AND the best part is, nothing is weird about what the others are doing, or not doing. Nobody stares. Nobody gives funny looks. We all just go about business as if we were typical parents, with typical kids. AND. IT. IS. GREAT! Until,  the typical kids come down to breakfast with their soccer team and stare. Hard. (Yes, I notice these things). Ok, but screw them.
   
     So, the Top Ten things about WHAT MAKES SPECIAL OLYMPICS SO SPECIAL?

#10 You get to be a regular parent for once.
    I explained this earlier but it is so nice to just belong with the other parents. 
#9 Your kid is surrounded by kids that are just like him. Well, not just like him but pretty close. The point is, all of these kids have major struggles in life. These are not struggles that will ever go away.
#8 Your kid finally feels like he connects with someone. One of the hardest things when you have a special needs child, is when you have one that is cognitive enough to know he is different. So, when he connects with the other kids, you know you've hit a home run.
#7 Your kid  can finally do things they love to do. Let's face it, playing basketball at the Y or on his school team will. not. last. He will be able to play basketball AND other sports he loves with the Special Olympics for his entire life.
#6 Your kid's confidence soars!
This is a no brainer. Believe it or not, all special needs kids need (and understand) the need to be successful. When they are, well......
#5 Your kid gets the chance to be successful. These kids face daily struggles in their life. It takes a long time for them to be successful at even the basic tasks (such as brushing your teeth or learning how to tie shoes). Special Olympics not only gives them the opportunity to succeed but also to feel GOOD about it!
#4 For once all of the struggles are not part of the day. For once, they are having fun and not getting frustrated or upset.
#3 They feel like typical kids must feel on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure most typical kids feel success regularly. Whether it is on a sport team or academically, I would bet most typical kids feel successful. 
#2 These kids can participate into and through adulthood. It will be something they can carry with them through their whole life and have that one thing that makes them feel good and proud of who they are. 
#1 The kids have the BEST sportsmanship! I have never seen any sports team have stellar sportsmanship like the Special Olympics athletes. Kids from other teams will help someone up if they fall. They will ask, "Are you ok?" They cheer (loudly) for the other team and they have the utmost respect for every player. Sometimes the athletes do get upset and angry (because some of them ARE very intense) but they never take it out on others, especially the other team. I have even witnessed someone from the other team hand over the ball to a player on the opposite team, just so they could make a basket. Now, THAT is something!

     

     So, I don't know if the reason I feel this way is because I have a Special Olympics athlete or is it because I have been to an event and witnessed these things and have just been awed by the whole thing? I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is that these kids (and adults) who struggle every day, struggle to fit into the "real" world, struggle to learn new tasks, struggle to make friends, struggle with health issues, etc. these kids deserve to be happy and successful and to feel good about themselves. Even if just for a day.

   
OH and P.S. Colin's team won the GOLD medal for their division!

Colin had the biggest cheering section! Aunt Bridget, Uncle Don, Papa, and my cousin Missy and her husband and 4 kids came to cheer Colin on. The kids made signs for him, which brought tears to my eyes! So Sweet!

No news?

    No news is good news, I guess.  I haven't had time to write and it is making me sad. I have so many thoughts and ideas popping into my head all day long but no way to jot those idea down and definitely no way to actually sit down and write about them. I will do what I can.
     Things have been stable and calm for at least a month. So, now that I just said that, tomorrow night is going to suck. I haven't totally let my guard down and I don't think I ever will. Colin is only on one behavior med and it seems to be working. I wonder if maybe we weren't over medicating him by having him on (at one point) 3 medications? The heart issue that he was having (you'll have to go back and read up on that if you don't know what I am talking about) seems to have gotten better. He still has the issue, he is just right at the border of it being a problem. It has improved, but it is still an issue. He has a list of 2 pages of medicines that he has to avoid (or the heart issue will become a problem). He is trying really hard to be a good boy, I can tell.
     I am going to leave with a poem that a friend sent me. She reads my blog and she has the poem at work. She thought of me and thought I would connect with it. Boy, did I connect! I think it explains how I feel being Colin's mom. I think if you read it, you too, will understand how I feel about being Colin's mom.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by  

Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reservedI am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Gold medal winner!

C and his GOLD medal!

     Colin's Special Olympics basketball team won the district championship today. They came in first in their district, got a gold medal and will be going to the STATE finals in two weeks! This basketball obsessed kid is on cloud nine! I know this because he couldn't stop talking about it, he wanted to watch basketball when we got home (to "get better" for states) and he called his grandma on his own. (He never calls anyone and rarely talks on the phone).  He is very proud and so are we!

     I know I've said this before but I have to say it again, if you ever have the opportunity to go to a Special Olympics event, you should. You can't help but smile at these kids (sometimes adults) and pick up on their energy and enthusiasm. You definitely walk away feeling good.

     Colin (still) talks about going to the NBA more than ever now. I LOVE his passion!

Ask and You Shall Receive

   In my last post I asked for help. Since that post I have heard from many people. People I see or talk to on a regular basis and people I haven't talked to in years. Some people offered advice or ideas while others just sent messages of love and support. Although, the ideas people threw out there are things we have done or tried (for the most part) , there were a couple I had not thought of and it gave me a little hope that not all is lost. It also let me reflect and reminded me of things that maybe we should bring back and try now. 
     What's funny to me is that this post had more views than any other post I have done. Which made me think, "Why?" The answer (I think) is simple, I asked for help. Now, I could look at this two ways- 1.) people want to help! or 2.) people like to see others struggle. Maybe it is a little bit of both. Don't take that the wrong way. I think people would rather hear about someone struggling then for example, "my wonderful son who has straight A's and is going to Harvard". But, my innocent self tells me that it is because people genuinely want to help. So I will leave it at that. 
     A friend called me not to offer advice, but to tell me about a podcast she had heard that week and she thought it applied to my situation (in some aspect, anyway). The pod cast is about being vulnerable. She told me she thought I was "brave". Brave. That is surely not a word I would have ever used to describe myself or my situation. I listened. 
     I AM vulnerable. I am putting myself out there! I am opening myself up for criticism and lots of it. Wow! I never really thought of it that way (because I am very naive). But, yes, I am vulnerable. And I guess, to some extent, that is brave. I really never put myself out there for people to judge me because that was not my intent. I put myself out there because I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do or have similar struggles. I know what it's like to feel like you are the only one going through it and I know what it's like to feel like you are alone. I guess I just wanted to say, "You are not alone."
     So since my last post I have done a lot of reflecting. What I learned is this: what I really needed and wanted from that post was not necessarily advice (even though I asked for it, I know.) I think I have exhausted most of those resources and I figure, that is what our psychologist and psychiatrist are for, right? I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. What I realized is that all I really need is for someone to tell me, "Hey, you are doing a good job." or "Thinking about you." or " Love you."  I think when you don't hear anything good about what you are doing then you automatically think you must be doing something wrong. I know that is not the case. I am not perfect and I do have my down falls but I am the best parent I know how to be. One of the reasons I absolutely love my pediatrician (the boys' pediatrician) is because every time we are there he says something to me about what a good job I am doing. I leave there feeling like I am the best parent he has ever seen! Now, I know this is not the case and he probably says that to all of his patient's moms. But, he makes me feel good. 
     So I don't mean to shift gears now but I figured I could give a quick update and where we are at with Colin. We have taken him off of two behavior meds. One didn't seem to be working and it was causing some unwanted side effects that we felt were not worth it. The other was the medicine that cause his QT prolongation of his heart and we needed to get him off of that sooner rather than later. So he is on one med for behavior and we are not sure if it is working. Of course, taking him off two meds we were prepared for some major episodes. We've had a few. They haven't been pleasant but it is not the worst we have seen and he has not been violent toward me. 
     Everything is a work in progress. Everything. There is no concrete answer, there is no right or wrong answer. Life is just a crap shoot. We do the best we can with what we are given, we make mistakes along the way and we celebrate victories. One of my favorite quotes that I discovered when I was planning my mother's funeral two years ago :
             "Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity....." 
-Gilda Radner

Any and All Advice Appreciated

     Tonight at bedtime, Colin had a meltdown. At first it started off like it usually does with him lashing out at me. "I hate you. You are the worst parent ever." yadda, yadda, yadda.  Nothing new. Something did happen that has never happened before, it turned, very quickly,  but this time, in a different direction. Most of the time he would probably start hitting me or something. This time, he stopped and just started sobbing.  So, I let him. Sob. Uncontrollably.
     Many times it is hard for Colin to articulate his feelings. Many times it is hard for me to figure out what he is trying to say. He doesn't always make sense. Tonight it was very clear. He hates being in special ed. He. HATES. it.
     I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. My heart breaks for him right now because I know he doesn't feel good about himself. As a mother, I just want my kids to be happy. That's it. I just want them to be happy. What can I do as a parent to ensure that happens? What can I do as a parent of a special needs child to make sure that happens? I don't know.
     Any and all advice appreciated!

Oh and as if this night's episode didn't pull on my heartstrings. He said, "I just want to be just like Blake "(his older brother for those who don't know) .

Here's something that'll put a tear in your eye

     A quick post......

     Yesterday after Colin's last basketball game for his school this was our conversation:

C: " You know I can't wait for next year. I am going to try out for the team. I might not make it but I'm going to try."
Me: " Go for it Colin!"
C: "I think I will make the team because I am really good at basketball, don't ya think Mom?"
Me: "Yes, yes you are!"

He's not good. Let me rephrase that, he's not good when he plays with "regular" kids. But, he is very good on his Special Olympics team and he has improved SO much.

We'll see what next year brings and if he really will want to try out for the team. At least I have a year to think about how we can handle this.

I AM NOT A GAMBLER, BUT.............

     I have never met a kid that is more passionate than my Colin. He loves basketball, and when Colin loves something he LOVES it. He loves it with his heart and soul. He also has a plan. He is going to play basketball all thorough middle school and high school and go on and play basketball in college. Oh, not any college, U of M. He then wants to play in the NBA but his back up plan is being a veterinarian. Wouldn't you all love it if your own child was that focused on what they wanted in life?      
     What is wrong with this picture? I think you know the answer. The answer is: the odds are against him. The answer is I don't want to discourage him but I know deep down in my heart, these things will never happen.
      So instead I think of alternatives I can offer. Maybe he can be part of the high school team as a team manager, maybe he can go to some sort of trade school. Maybe he can have his own pet sitting business (he's very good with animals and already pet sits our neighbor's cats). I, of course, never let on to him that these thoughts run through my mind. Instead, I encourage him to always do his best and then try to change the subject. I definitely don't want to discourage him but the real question is: How much do I encourage him?
      Think about it, a "regular kid" you most certainly would encourage them. Not only would you encourage them, you would do everything in your power to help make it happen, right? So your kid wants to play basketball, what do you do? You play basketball with them, you get them on a travel team, you have them practice,etc. They want to go to U of M? you work with them on school, grades, activities,volunteering, etc, all of the things they would need to do to get into U of M. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't do all of these things for Colin. I'm just saying, How do I do it (when deep down, I know it won't happen) and keep him from having too much confidence and then at some point become extremely frustrated and disappointed? He already asks me DAILY, "Why do I have to be in special ed?"
      What's hard about Colin and his needs is that developmentally he is significantly behind his peers. So even though he is 12 he mentally is more like an 8 year old. He is what we would consider a high functioning CI student. So what this means is, he is aware of his differences yet, he doesn't understand it. So, he knows he is different from his gen ed peers and doesn't understand why. Hence, the daily question, "why do I have to be in special ed?" So more than likely he will not understand why he can't go to U of M or become a veterinarian. But, I'm not even gonna go there yet. I'll save that for another day.

A Basket of Nerves

     Yesterday was Colin'c first "real" basketball game. What I mean by that is, it was the first time he has played with his gen ed peers from school. Sure, he has done basketball at the Y for some time. But, most of the time we had him play down a grade. When he was in kindergarten and 1st grade we did have him play rec and ed soccer. At that time none of the kids were really all that good at sports,  so he fit right in. This, this was different. He is in 6th grade and we know that most of these kids have probably been playing basketball for some time. Heck, many of them probably play in travel leagues or what not.

     I was nervous to let him sign up to play basketball (in 6th grade, there are no cuts) but we talked to the coach and his phys ed teacher and they were very supportive of him playing. I was nervous because I knew how good these kids would be. I was nervous because he loves basketball SO much and I want to see him be successful. I was nervous because I knew he would not be as good as the other kids and I didn't want him to be embarrassed. I was nervous that the other kids would make fun of him. I was nervous that he would get so nervous that he might start crying, right in the middle of a game. I was nervous that he would stick out like a sore thumb. I was nervous that everyone could tell he was special needs and then coddle him because of it.

      When I arrived at the game, it had already started. Colin was not playing yet, but the boys that were playing, they were good. Really good. Fast and aggressive. My heart sank a little. I had butterflies in my stomach. How would this end?  Even my husband said he was nervous.

      Finally, Colin's line entered the game. Because it's 6th grade, no cuts, they put the boys in groups of 5. Every 4 minutes or so, they put in a new group of 5.  So,  Colin enters the game and I really just wanted to close my eyes. Instead, I focused on Colin and pretended we were back at the Y. He was playing good defense, staying on his man. He never handled the ball but he was able to keep up running and covering his guy. He didn't fall or fumble, so whew! We got through his first 4 minutes with nothing major happening and he didn't stand out, (at least, I don't think he did).

      He got in the game at least 4 more times and it looked the same every time. A couple of times he did get the ball but he would pass it off right away. I think that is ok considering the league of boys he was playing with. He wasn't aggressive at all but at least he didn't fumble anything. I hope that his confidence will build enough to try dribbling and maybe even shooting in the next few games.

    The thing I loved the most was watching him cheer on his team. He was paying attention to the game and cheering when they scored. He was chanting along with the rest of the team and patting kids backs when they did something good. I loved his team spirit! I hope his passion never dies.

A New Year. A New Attitude!

I am not much of a planner. In fact, I am not organized at all. I certainly am not a "Type A" person in any form. In fact, I am not a "Type B" person either. I like to think of myself as a "Type D" person. (There is no such thing, I know. I'm making this up.) I'm pretty sure my friends are saying," I can't believe it, you always seem so put together and you seem so tidy." Tidy, yes. Put together, NO.

 * A side note: my mother was very organized and VERY tidy. Nothing was ever out of place in our home. There is a tiny bit of me like that (not the organized part, just the tidy part). It drives me nuts that nothing ever seems to be in it's "place".

 Organized, I am not. A planner, I am not.My husband is not much of a planner either,which is good. We have been known to make many last minute vacation plans and they always turn out great. So, why every single "New" year do I make a resolution to be more organized? I have these grand plans of organizing all of Colin's medical papers in a binder so I can take it with me to every appointment. That way I won't have to wrack my brain when they ask me questions about a particular doctor's visit or what meds he is currently taking. It makes sense, right? Yet, I never do it. And, so far, I have been ok without it. I have numerous sewing and knitting projects that are in the works and I am stressing myself out because they are not complete. I was asking my husband the other day, "What are we doing for our summer vacation ?" Why am I even thinking about this? I know we won't decide what to do until June. It always turns out fine, so why stress? But, every year I make this resolution and every year I stress myself out over it. This year, I am not. I am not going to worry about the state of my house. I am not going to worry about our vacation. I am not going to worry about those sewing/knitting projects. They will get done when they get done! I am not going to make a binder because if I haven't done it by now, I never will so I am taking that off of my list. I am going to live day to day, like I always have and not be stressed about it! I am not going to think about what I have to do tomorrow, I will worry about that tomorrow. I will only think about today and what needs to be done. I will still make my daily list of "To Do's" but I will not stress myself out if they don't get done. I will live in the moment more and not worry about the future. If Colin has taught me anything, it is this.