Ask and You Shall Receive

   In my last post I asked for help. Since that post I have heard from many people. People I see or talk to on a regular basis and people I haven't talked to in years. Some people offered advice or ideas while others just sent messages of love and support. Although, the ideas people threw out there are things we have done or tried (for the most part) , there were a couple I had not thought of and it gave me a little hope that not all is lost. It also let me reflect and reminded me of things that maybe we should bring back and try now. 
     What's funny to me is that this post had more views than any other post I have done. Which made me think, "Why?" The answer (I think) is simple, I asked for help. Now, I could look at this two ways- 1.) people want to help! or 2.) people like to see others struggle. Maybe it is a little bit of both. Don't take that the wrong way. I think people would rather hear about someone struggling then for example, "my wonderful son who has straight A's and is going to Harvard". But, my innocent self tells me that it is because people genuinely want to help. So I will leave it at that. 
     A friend called me not to offer advice, but to tell me about a podcast she had heard that week and she thought it applied to my situation (in some aspect, anyway). The pod cast is about being vulnerable. She told me she thought I was "brave". Brave. That is surely not a word I would have ever used to describe myself or my situation. I listened. 
     I AM vulnerable. I am putting myself out there! I am opening myself up for criticism and lots of it. Wow! I never really thought of it that way (because I am very naive). But, yes, I am vulnerable. And I guess, to some extent, that is brave. I really never put myself out there for people to judge me because that was not my intent. I put myself out there because I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do or have similar struggles. I know what it's like to feel like you are the only one going through it and I know what it's like to feel like you are alone. I guess I just wanted to say, "You are not alone."
     So since my last post I have done a lot of reflecting. What I learned is this: what I really needed and wanted from that post was not necessarily advice (even though I asked for it, I know.) I think I have exhausted most of those resources and I figure, that is what our psychologist and psychiatrist are for, right? I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. What I realized is that all I really need is for someone to tell me, "Hey, you are doing a good job." or "Thinking about you." or " Love you."  I think when you don't hear anything good about what you are doing then you automatically think you must be doing something wrong. I know that is not the case. I am not perfect and I do have my down falls but I am the best parent I know how to be. One of the reasons I absolutely love my pediatrician (the boys' pediatrician) is because every time we are there he says something to me about what a good job I am doing. I leave there feeling like I am the best parent he has ever seen! Now, I know this is not the case and he probably says that to all of his patient's moms. But, he makes me feel good. 
     So I don't mean to shift gears now but I figured I could give a quick update and where we are at with Colin. We have taken him off of two behavior meds. One didn't seem to be working and it was causing some unwanted side effects that we felt were not worth it. The other was the medicine that cause his QT prolongation of his heart and we needed to get him off of that sooner rather than later. So he is on one med for behavior and we are not sure if it is working. Of course, taking him off two meds we were prepared for some major episodes. We've had a few. They haven't been pleasant but it is not the worst we have seen and he has not been violent toward me. 
     Everything is a work in progress. Everything. There is no concrete answer, there is no right or wrong answer. Life is just a crap shoot. We do the best we can with what we are given, we make mistakes along the way and we celebrate victories. One of my favorite quotes that I discovered when I was planning my mother's funeral two years ago :
             "Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity....." 
-Gilda Radner

Any and All Advice Appreciated

     Tonight at bedtime, Colin had a meltdown. At first it started off like it usually does with him lashing out at me. "I hate you. You are the worst parent ever." yadda, yadda, yadda.  Nothing new. Something did happen that has never happened before, it turned, very quickly,  but this time, in a different direction. Most of the time he would probably start hitting me or something. This time, he stopped and just started sobbing.  So, I let him. Sob. Uncontrollably.
     Many times it is hard for Colin to articulate his feelings. Many times it is hard for me to figure out what he is trying to say. He doesn't always make sense. Tonight it was very clear. He hates being in special ed. He. HATES. it.
     I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. My heart breaks for him right now because I know he doesn't feel good about himself. As a mother, I just want my kids to be happy. That's it. I just want them to be happy. What can I do as a parent to ensure that happens? What can I do as a parent of a special needs child to make sure that happens? I don't know.
     Any and all advice appreciated!

Oh and as if this night's episode didn't pull on my heartstrings. He said, "I just want to be just like Blake "(his older brother for those who don't know) .

Here's something that'll put a tear in your eye

     A quick post......

     Yesterday after Colin's last basketball game for his school this was our conversation:

C: " You know I can't wait for next year. I am going to try out for the team. I might not make it but I'm going to try."
Me: " Go for it Colin!"
C: "I think I will make the team because I am really good at basketball, don't ya think Mom?"
Me: "Yes, yes you are!"

He's not good. Let me rephrase that, he's not good when he plays with "regular" kids. But, he is very good on his Special Olympics team and he has improved SO much.

We'll see what next year brings and if he really will want to try out for the team. At least I have a year to think about how we can handle this.

I AM NOT A GAMBLER, BUT.............

     I have never met a kid that is more passionate than my Colin. He loves basketball, and when Colin loves something he LOVES it. He loves it with his heart and soul. He also has a plan. He is going to play basketball all thorough middle school and high school and go on and play basketball in college. Oh, not any college, U of M. He then wants to play in the NBA but his back up plan is being a veterinarian. Wouldn't you all love it if your own child was that focused on what they wanted in life?      
     What is wrong with this picture? I think you know the answer. The answer is: the odds are against him. The answer is I don't want to discourage him but I know deep down in my heart, these things will never happen.
      So instead I think of alternatives I can offer. Maybe he can be part of the high school team as a team manager, maybe he can go to some sort of trade school. Maybe he can have his own pet sitting business (he's very good with animals and already pet sits our neighbor's cats). I, of course, never let on to him that these thoughts run through my mind. Instead, I encourage him to always do his best and then try to change the subject. I definitely don't want to discourage him but the real question is: How much do I encourage him?
      Think about it, a "regular kid" you most certainly would encourage them. Not only would you encourage them, you would do everything in your power to help make it happen, right? So your kid wants to play basketball, what do you do? You play basketball with them, you get them on a travel team, you have them practice,etc. They want to go to U of M? you work with them on school, grades, activities,volunteering, etc, all of the things they would need to do to get into U of M. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't do all of these things for Colin. I'm just saying, How do I do it (when deep down, I know it won't happen) and keep him from having too much confidence and then at some point become extremely frustrated and disappointed? He already asks me DAILY, "Why do I have to be in special ed?"
      What's hard about Colin and his needs is that developmentally he is significantly behind his peers. So even though he is 12 he mentally is more like an 8 year old. He is what we would consider a high functioning CI student. So what this means is, he is aware of his differences yet, he doesn't understand it. So, he knows he is different from his gen ed peers and doesn't understand why. Hence, the daily question, "why do I have to be in special ed?" So more than likely he will not understand why he can't go to U of M or become a veterinarian. But, I'm not even gonna go there yet. I'll save that for another day.