Ask and You Shall Receive

   In my last post I asked for help. Since that post I have heard from many people. People I see or talk to on a regular basis and people I haven't talked to in years. Some people offered advice or ideas while others just sent messages of love and support. Although, the ideas people threw out there are things we have done or tried (for the most part) , there were a couple I had not thought of and it gave me a little hope that not all is lost. It also let me reflect and reminded me of things that maybe we should bring back and try now. 
     What's funny to me is that this post had more views than any other post I have done. Which made me think, "Why?" The answer (I think) is simple, I asked for help. Now, I could look at this two ways- 1.) people want to help! or 2.) people like to see others struggle. Maybe it is a little bit of both. Don't take that the wrong way. I think people would rather hear about someone struggling then for example, "my wonderful son who has straight A's and is going to Harvard". But, my innocent self tells me that it is because people genuinely want to help. So I will leave it at that. 
     A friend called me not to offer advice, but to tell me about a podcast she had heard that week and she thought it applied to my situation (in some aspect, anyway). The pod cast is about being vulnerable. She told me she thought I was "brave". Brave. That is surely not a word I would have ever used to describe myself or my situation. I listened. 
     I AM vulnerable. I am putting myself out there! I am opening myself up for criticism and lots of it. Wow! I never really thought of it that way (because I am very naive). But, yes, I am vulnerable. And I guess, to some extent, that is brave. I really never put myself out there for people to judge me because that was not my intent. I put myself out there because I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do or have similar struggles. I know what it's like to feel like you are the only one going through it and I know what it's like to feel like you are alone. I guess I just wanted to say, "You are not alone."
     So since my last post I have done a lot of reflecting. What I learned is this: what I really needed and wanted from that post was not necessarily advice (even though I asked for it, I know.) I think I have exhausted most of those resources and I figure, that is what our psychologist and psychiatrist are for, right? I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. What I realized is that all I really need is for someone to tell me, "Hey, you are doing a good job." or "Thinking about you." or " Love you."  I think when you don't hear anything good about what you are doing then you automatically think you must be doing something wrong. I know that is not the case. I am not perfect and I do have my down falls but I am the best parent I know how to be. One of the reasons I absolutely love my pediatrician (the boys' pediatrician) is because every time we are there he says something to me about what a good job I am doing. I leave there feeling like I am the best parent he has ever seen! Now, I know this is not the case and he probably says that to all of his patient's moms. But, he makes me feel good. 
     So I don't mean to shift gears now but I figured I could give a quick update and where we are at with Colin. We have taken him off of two behavior meds. One didn't seem to be working and it was causing some unwanted side effects that we felt were not worth it. The other was the medicine that cause his QT prolongation of his heart and we needed to get him off of that sooner rather than later. So he is on one med for behavior and we are not sure if it is working. Of course, taking him off two meds we were prepared for some major episodes. We've had a few. They haven't been pleasant but it is not the worst we have seen and he has not been violent toward me. 
     Everything is a work in progress. Everything. There is no concrete answer, there is no right or wrong answer. Life is just a crap shoot. We do the best we can with what we are given, we make mistakes along the way and we celebrate victories. One of my favorite quotes that I discovered when I was planning my mother's funeral two years ago :
             "Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity....." 
-Gilda Radner