Guilt of many things I need to let go

I am letting go of the guilt I feel for many things. The number one thing I have to let go of is the guilt I feel for putting all of our dirty laundry out there, especially Colin's dirty laundry. It was not easy for me to admit defeat and it was not easy for me to admit I needed help. I immediately felt bad for letting everyone see Colin is such a bad light. I think there are people who think, "control your child" "lay down the law" " don't let him get away with that" and that I am weak. Weak because I can't control my child's behavior and it got to the point where we all hit bottom.  I can tell you, it is far more complicated than that. Most of the time Colin is kind, charming, caring, friendly, happy and a kid with a heart of gold. Those who know him can atest to that. So I do feel bad for those who don't know him and the impression I may have left you with. But, I am going to get over that now. There, I'm done. Done feeling guilty, period.

The past few weeks have been good. No major episodes and we convinced him to take the medicine daily. He started therapy and they are working on what causes his anxiety. The first step, I believe, in figuring out what triggers his anger and how he can manage it himself, or at least recognize the signs.

I am doing the best to take care of myself. It helps that I have 2 weeks off from work. Hopefully, I will be rested and feeling confident when we go back.

Looking foward to a new year, that's for sure!

I'm not gonna lie.......

   So yesterday's post was a cry for sympathy and help. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I am never one to feel sorry for myself nor do I want others to feel the same. After all, we all have challenges in life we have to deal with and I am no different.
     I hit an all time low and I needed to vent and also look for sympathy. I guess I needed to be reminded that there are people who get what I am going through and I do have friends that care about me. I believe you when you tell me I can call you any time or come over late at night but I have to tell you that when I am in a crisis situation, I don't always think straight. I also don't want to be a burden or be that phone call where your like, "Oh shit, it's Jenny calling again."
    Another reason I unleashed is so that you all know why I might be stand offish. I am not myself and I need people to know why.
    Thanks for the love, support, prayers,understanding, and sympathy. I know I will get through this, somehow.

Everything Sucks Right Now

    This is not a lie. I will spare all the details because if you read my blog or you know me well, then you know what this means. If you don't read my blog, I suggest you go back to the beginning and read it.
     We are at a point where things have NOT gotten better with Colin, in fact, they may be getting worse. Thank God we have a snow day tomorrow so I can spend some time on the phone trying to find someone that can help us. Colin has a social worker he sees outside of school, but I don't really think he is helping much.
      I am at the point right now where I need to find help for myself and I need to find help for our entire family. I think the issue goes way past more than just anxiety for Colin, there is something deeper. I worry about Blake too. He sees and hears so much of this, I know he wants to help. I even wonder if it is the reason why he can be mean to Colin.
     Our life is somewhat in tormoil right now. As much as I love Christmas and the whole Holiday season, I am finding it hard to find the joy in the season. I want to so bad. I wake up every morning with such hope for the day.
     In the meantime, I do what I can to get through each day. I try not to feel guilty when I slack but it's really hard sometimes.  My own life is on hold right now, and that is hard for me.
      I don't really want to talk to anybody about this but then sometimes, I do. Of course, it always seems to be late at night when I know all of my friends are sleeping! Yet, I have had a couple of people tell me that I can go to their house or call them anytime, but, I don't. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to put a wrench in their routine.
     What I really want is for things to be like they were when we were all happy. But, I don't think I can ever get those days back. I need to move forward and hope and pray that Colin can find a place where he can be happy and I don't have to suffer anymore.