My post titled, "Eggshells,Demons, and Fire" had the most hits of anything I have posted so far. It's the catchy title, I just know it.
A shout out to everyone that sent me postive vibes, positive thoughts, and prayers. A few more people came out of the woodwork with private messages to me about their struggles. It made me realize, I am not alone in this journey with a child who does not fit the "norm".
I think there is a certain amount of embarrassment that comes when your child doesn't fit the mold. People talk about their kids when they do good things, not when they do bad things. There is a certain stigma that comes if your child is not perfect. So, most don't talk about it. I think by admitting this, you admit that you are not the perfect parent. With that, comes guilt. I hope that what I'm doing is going to change that. Hopefully, this blog is helpful to those whose child is imperfect.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Egg Shells, Demons, and Fire
My mind is swirling right now. I don't even know how to start. There are so many directions I could take this right now. I could talk about how Colin is being wishy washy about taking medicine. I could discuss how one minute things are fine and the next, we have blow up. I could tell you about how he can be so sweet and so thoughtful. I could tell you how we can talk about something one day and the next day a full blown argument takes place defending the opposite result from the day before. I could say that one day we are all on the same page and the next day, that changes because of Colin.
Here is what I do know. I know that I cannot keep doing this. I know that something has to change. I know that I need to get my life back. This weekend I had plans on both nights. I had to cancel those plans because my son had major behavior issues. I don't know what exactly it is but I suspect that it has a lot to do with when my mom passed away. I think he is afraid something will happen to me. Even though he doesn't know this, this is what I think. The crazy thing is, I have mentioned this to every single professional that we have talked to about Colin's behavior issues. Nobody ever thinks that is the case or it is not addressed. So for the past 2 nights, he knew I was going to leave (Andy was going with me and tonight he was going to be alone for about an hour) so he started being (excuse my French) an asshole. He knew I was being picked up at 6:30. He knew I wouldn't be home til 9:30. He knew he would be alone until Andy and Blake got home from the game. He didn't want me to leave so he started being an ass and making up stuff that he was mad about. When he gets mad, he swears and calls me really awful names. Oh, and he will get in my face, spit on me, grab me, hit me, whatever he needs to do to keep me around. So normally, if I leave, he will settled down within in 30 minutes. Now, this is if Andy is here. Andy was not here. So I could not leave. Guess what I did? I sat in my (running) car in the driveway (with the doors locked) hoping that Colin was not destroying the house and everything in it. He came out several times to yell at me, thorough the window of the car.
So the good news is, we went to the psychiatrist today. We have a medicine that we think (we hope) will work and not cause any problems (like the last several that we tried did). Colin is on board. He's not. He is on board. He's not. Tonight, after our "episode" and after Andy and Blake got home, he was OK with medicine. We. will. see. not. holding.my.breath.
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."-Forrest Gump
Here is what I do know. I know that I cannot keep doing this. I know that something has to change. I know that I need to get my life back. This weekend I had plans on both nights. I had to cancel those plans because my son had major behavior issues. I don't know what exactly it is but I suspect that it has a lot to do with when my mom passed away. I think he is afraid something will happen to me. Even though he doesn't know this, this is what I think. The crazy thing is, I have mentioned this to every single professional that we have talked to about Colin's behavior issues. Nobody ever thinks that is the case or it is not addressed. So for the past 2 nights, he knew I was going to leave (Andy was going with me and tonight he was going to be alone for about an hour) so he started being (excuse my French) an asshole. He knew I was being picked up at 6:30. He knew I wouldn't be home til 9:30. He knew he would be alone until Andy and Blake got home from the game. He didn't want me to leave so he started being an ass and making up stuff that he was mad about. When he gets mad, he swears and calls me really awful names. Oh, and he will get in my face, spit on me, grab me, hit me, whatever he needs to do to keep me around. So normally, if I leave, he will settled down within in 30 minutes. Now, this is if Andy is here. Andy was not here. So I could not leave. Guess what I did? I sat in my (running) car in the driveway (with the doors locked) hoping that Colin was not destroying the house and everything in it. He came out several times to yell at me, thorough the window of the car.
So the good news is, we went to the psychiatrist today. We have a medicine that we think (we hope) will work and not cause any problems (like the last several that we tried did). Colin is on board. He's not. He is on board. He's not. Tonight, after our "episode" and after Andy and Blake got home, he was OK with medicine. We. will. see. not. holding.my.breath.
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."-Forrest Gump
Thursday, November 10, 2016
How DT opened my eyes.
It is 24 hours after the 2016 election and I am still feeling the depression that starting sinking in last night at this time as I was watching the results come in. From that first sentence right there, you know whose corner I was in.
This is not a post to tell you why I think my candidate deserved to get elected or why I supported her. Even though I consider myself a democrat, I am reasonable and most certainly would vote for a republication candidate if that candidate held certain standards that I think every president should have.
I don't think anyone can deny that our PE (president elect) was mean, nasty, crude, vulgar, rude, disrespectful, ugly, mean......do I need to keep going?
He made derogatory, disrespectful remarks about Muslims, gays, Jews, women, people with disabilities. Wait, STOP. You made fun of and mocked a reporter with a disability?
My son has a disability. He is cognitively impaired. This means he was born with a disability in his brain. Something that cannot be fixed. And, it is nobody's fault. Genetics. We are working so hard with him so that he can be successful and live on his own when he is an adult. My biggest fear, my biggest sadness is that he does not fit in with the "real world". My even bigger fear is that, he will be made fun of, disrespected, and bullied because of who he is (and remember, he can't help who he is).
I will be completely honest and tell you that some of the things that our president elect said about other groups, did not phase me. For example, when he talked about building a wall, I don't know any Mexican immigrants, so it doesn't pertain to me. It won't affect ME if he builds a wall. The only Muslims I know are the ones I see on TV. And even though I am a woman, the remarks he made about other women (grabbing their pussy,etc.) did not really bother me as a woman because let's face it, DT would never want to grab my pussy, I'm just not pretty enough or skinny enough for his taste. I thought those comments made him look like a total dirt bag, that's true. At the time, these things did not bother me so much because they did not pertain to me. I did not have a personal connection.
When he mocked and made fun of that reporter with a disability, hold on folks. THAT infuriated me. That could have easily been MY son he was mocking. At that moment, my dislike for him became personal, I had a connection. There is no way in hell I am going to vote for someone that is going to make fun of my son. I need a president that is going to look at my son's differences and embrace them.
This has made me think about those other groups that he bashed. I may not have a personal connection with some of these groups but I do have experience being in one of those groups. I am part of a minority (well, my son is, but well,you know). I also have personal connections to the LGBT group. Some people I love deeply are part of that group and I have witnessed first hand, the struggles they have gone through. It comes down to this, when we have a personal connection to a group we fight for that group and if we don't have a connection, we don't care. That has got to change. We need to be aware of the struggles others face, we need to support them. We need to remember our own struggles and how that feels and remember that we are all just human beings. Human beings that have feelings and ideas and that are doing their best trying to survive.
I don't think any president or president elect should publicly degrade and mock a group because they are different from the typical,white American. Nobody is typical anymore folks.
#lovetrumpshate
This is not a post to tell you why I think my candidate deserved to get elected or why I supported her. Even though I consider myself a democrat, I am reasonable and most certainly would vote for a republication candidate if that candidate held certain standards that I think every president should have.
I don't think anyone can deny that our PE (president elect) was mean, nasty, crude, vulgar, rude, disrespectful, ugly, mean......do I need to keep going?
He made derogatory, disrespectful remarks about Muslims, gays, Jews, women, people with disabilities. Wait, STOP. You made fun of and mocked a reporter with a disability?
My son has a disability. He is cognitively impaired. This means he was born with a disability in his brain. Something that cannot be fixed. And, it is nobody's fault. Genetics. We are working so hard with him so that he can be successful and live on his own when he is an adult. My biggest fear, my biggest sadness is that he does not fit in with the "real world". My even bigger fear is that, he will be made fun of, disrespected, and bullied because of who he is (and remember, he can't help who he is).
I will be completely honest and tell you that some of the things that our president elect said about other groups, did not phase me. For example, when he talked about building a wall, I don't know any Mexican immigrants, so it doesn't pertain to me. It won't affect ME if he builds a wall. The only Muslims I know are the ones I see on TV. And even though I am a woman, the remarks he made about other women (grabbing their pussy,etc.) did not really bother me as a woman because let's face it, DT would never want to grab my pussy, I'm just not pretty enough or skinny enough for his taste. I thought those comments made him look like a total dirt bag, that's true. At the time, these things did not bother me so much because they did not pertain to me. I did not have a personal connection.
When he mocked and made fun of that reporter with a disability, hold on folks. THAT infuriated me. That could have easily been MY son he was mocking. At that moment, my dislike for him became personal, I had a connection. There is no way in hell I am going to vote for someone that is going to make fun of my son. I need a president that is going to look at my son's differences and embrace them.
This has made me think about those other groups that he bashed. I may not have a personal connection with some of these groups but I do have experience being in one of those groups. I am part of a minority (well, my son is, but well,you know). I also have personal connections to the LGBT group. Some people I love deeply are part of that group and I have witnessed first hand, the struggles they have gone through. It comes down to this, when we have a personal connection to a group we fight for that group and if we don't have a connection, we don't care. That has got to change. We need to be aware of the struggles others face, we need to support them. We need to remember our own struggles and how that feels and remember that we are all just human beings. Human beings that have feelings and ideas and that are doing their best trying to survive.
I don't think any president or president elect should publicly degrade and mock a group because they are different from the typical,white American. Nobody is typical anymore folks.
#lovetrumpshate
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
I'm holding my shit together and I deserve some sort of recognition for that......
So, I know that nobody is going to give me my mother of the year award anytime soon. Certainly, my teenagers aren't and I'm sure that every other mother would give that award to themselves. We, mothers, really do deserve an award for simply being a mother. I'm sure there is someone saying, "Our award is our children......." blah, blah, blah.
Well, I'm not here to sugarcoat anything. For anyone that has followed our ups and downs with Colin, you know the road has not been easy. Ups and downs. Lots of ups and downs.
I cannot even describe at this moment all that has been going on in one easy paragraph. I feel that it would take a lot of background knowledge and stories of events that have transpired to really fill everyone in to the fullest. So I'm just not gonna go there. Plus, for now, I have decided that publicizing the "other" Colin is not something I want (or even should) do.
This is to say, I am having a total pity party for myself, right now, for the last few months. Maybe a year, hell, I don't know. Basically, I have been holding my shit together for a very long time and I (might be) (am) (will be) (should be) unraveling, slowly.
So, here is what I don't want this to be. I DON"T want this to be a pity party about me. Yes, I am giving MYSELF this party and I really don't need to have anyone else pity me in any way, shape, or form. Really, I just want people to know why I have been standoffish or why I may not have called lately. I feel that there are friends that I have not kept in touch with, and I should. It has been really hard to maintain certain friendships and for that I feel guilty. My life is leading in a direction where I can see myself being an old, lonely, sad woman by myself. For those of you that know the struggles I have had with my grandma recently, this is what I am talking about. And, that makes me sad. But, at this exact moment, there is not much I can do. Accept, hang on, and fight. I have tried to maintain what I can, but my child consumes me. He keeps me prisoner.
So here is where my pity party comes in. I am going to list all of the things I hate about having a special needs child or what I hate about being a special needs parent. Either way, there are some down falls. But, then I need to end with all of the great things about him and what others are missing out on (not really adults because they get him) but all of his peers.
* my child cannot communicate well
* my child gets angry when he can't communicate
* he does not have any regular (general) ed peers (meaning any friends he does have are all special ed students, and he doesn't even have many of those either). So he doesn't do "play dates" or "sleepovers" he's had a handful in his lifetime (with special ed kids) and he has only been invited to one birthday party of a "regular" kid and that was the one time we were out of town so he couldn't go! I seriously, almost canceled our plans just so he could go to a "regular" party.
* he makes up friends in his head.
* he takes all of his frustration out on me
* he has a gazillion medical issues and it seems as if something new appears every other year.
*I know more doctors than I care to.
* I get major anxiety whenever I sign him up for an activity with "regular" kids.
* I walk on egg shells with him several times a week
*I am heartbroken that our goal with him is to be independent of us
*I worry about who will take care of him when I can't
* I hate that he is not like other kids his age
* I feel guilty that Blake will never have the sort of sibling relationship that others have
* I feel guilty that Blake has to see and hear his brother's outrage
* I hate that my family is not "normal"
Things I love about having a special needs child and things I love about him:
* he has a bigger heart than anyone I know
*case in point-when he tried out for the basketball team and did not make it (but made the roll down team) he was more sad about the other guys that didn't make the team. Seriously, he talked about those guys not making the team for a week!
*he is PASSIONATE about things and never lets it die.
*he worries about other people way too much
*he wants to help homeless people
* he loves animals more than I do
*he wants to have friends more than anything so he makes them up
*he has a great imagination
*he remembers odd details and things most people don't
* he teaches me to slow down
*I am more compassionate because of him
*I am more patient
*I am a better teacher (especially to special ed kids) because of him
* I can't imagine what life would be like if he was just like everyone else. Pretty boring, I would imagine.
Well, I'm not here to sugarcoat anything. For anyone that has followed our ups and downs with Colin, you know the road has not been easy. Ups and downs. Lots of ups and downs.
I cannot even describe at this moment all that has been going on in one easy paragraph. I feel that it would take a lot of background knowledge and stories of events that have transpired to really fill everyone in to the fullest. So I'm just not gonna go there. Plus, for now, I have decided that publicizing the "other" Colin is not something I want (or even should) do.
This is to say, I am having a total pity party for myself, right now, for the last few months. Maybe a year, hell, I don't know. Basically, I have been holding my shit together for a very long time and I (might be) (am) (will be) (should be) unraveling, slowly.
So, here is what I don't want this to be. I DON"T want this to be a pity party about me. Yes, I am giving MYSELF this party and I really don't need to have anyone else pity me in any way, shape, or form. Really, I just want people to know why I have been standoffish or why I may not have called lately. I feel that there are friends that I have not kept in touch with, and I should. It has been really hard to maintain certain friendships and for that I feel guilty. My life is leading in a direction where I can see myself being an old, lonely, sad woman by myself. For those of you that know the struggles I have had with my grandma recently, this is what I am talking about. And, that makes me sad. But, at this exact moment, there is not much I can do. Accept, hang on, and fight. I have tried to maintain what I can, but my child consumes me. He keeps me prisoner.
So here is where my pity party comes in. I am going to list all of the things I hate about having a special needs child or what I hate about being a special needs parent. Either way, there are some down falls. But, then I need to end with all of the great things about him and what others are missing out on (not really adults because they get him) but all of his peers.
* my child cannot communicate well
* my child gets angry when he can't communicate
* he does not have any regular (general) ed peers (meaning any friends he does have are all special ed students, and he doesn't even have many of those either). So he doesn't do "play dates" or "sleepovers" he's had a handful in his lifetime (with special ed kids) and he has only been invited to one birthday party of a "regular" kid and that was the one time we were out of town so he couldn't go! I seriously, almost canceled our plans just so he could go to a "regular" party.
* he makes up friends in his head.
* he takes all of his frustration out on me
* he has a gazillion medical issues and it seems as if something new appears every other year.
*I know more doctors than I care to.
* I get major anxiety whenever I sign him up for an activity with "regular" kids.
* I walk on egg shells with him several times a week
*I am heartbroken that our goal with him is to be independent of us
*I worry about who will take care of him when I can't
* I hate that he is not like other kids his age
* I feel guilty that Blake will never have the sort of sibling relationship that others have
* I feel guilty that Blake has to see and hear his brother's outrage
* I hate that my family is not "normal"
Things I love about having a special needs child and things I love about him:
* he has a bigger heart than anyone I know
*case in point-when he tried out for the basketball team and did not make it (but made the roll down team) he was more sad about the other guys that didn't make the team. Seriously, he talked about those guys not making the team for a week!
*he is PASSIONATE about things and never lets it die.
*he worries about other people way too much
*he wants to help homeless people
* he loves animals more than I do
*he wants to have friends more than anything so he makes them up
*he has a great imagination
*he remembers odd details and things most people don't
* he teaches me to slow down
*I am more compassionate because of him
*I am more patient
*I am a better teacher (especially to special ed kids) because of him
* I can't imagine what life would be like if he was just like everyone else. Pretty boring, I would imagine.
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